


But to remember

by azul_ora



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agender Character, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Childhood Memories, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Memories, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 19:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8460460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azul_ora/pseuds/azul_ora
Summary: When Remus Lupin returned to Hogwarts, he didn't think of the himself he'd see in the students that pace deserted corridors late at night. He didn't think of the memories that haunt the hallways, like ghosts following in his empty footsteps.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ**  
>  Warning for depression, self-harm, panic disorder & panic attacks, suicide, physical abuse. Some referenced, some explicit. If any of this triggers or squicks you, please consider before reading.

He climbs the stairs slowly. His legs are week, and muscles straining, but more he does not want to see that it has changed. He does not want to see that it is the same. He doesn't know what he wants to see, as he reaches the landing and lays a hand against the hardwood door. That, at least, has not been altered. He pushes the heavy door aside and looks around the room, and all of a sudden he sort of wants to cry. He sets down his suitcase in the office and sinks down into the chair, feeling the curve of his spine press into the fabric.

(Bones so close to the surface, skin stretched tight. Remus Lupin knows how it feels to starve.)

He sighs and takes a deep breath, very deliberately blinking away the tears that threaten to fall. No more of that. He has a job now, he has a place to stay, and he has Wolfsbane to keep him at least a little more sane. His stomach aches a little from dinner - after months of always wanting a little more, he's eaten himself halfway to food poisoning. He'll be alright, he knows - this has happened a few times, when the room is warm and the chair is soft and the food is in plenty. He looks at the feasts a little differently now, now that he's known  _just not enough_.

He lights the fire in the grate with a flick of his wand, pulls his ( _patchedshabbytorn_ ) robes tighter about himself, closes his eyes and inhales. The room smells the same as it did: dust and stale air, the one small window not enough to cleanse away the smell. That has not changed either. He does not know whether he is grateful or not that he can still pick out tones of cloth freshly washed, the same smell as it was. The stones are harder underfoot now, or maybe that's the thinner soles on worn shoes.

He lets out a breath and allows himself to remember.

* * *

_"Professor Iyvia?"_

_"Yes?" They spin around and push their black hair out of their face with a gloved hand. Brown eyes smile back at Remus. "What is it?"_

_"I was wondering if you could clarify a section for me? The information you gave us on the spell to repel Hinkypunks, I didn't really understand it."_

_"Of course. Come up to my office and I'll go through it again."_

_"Thank you, Professor." He follows them up into the room just off the classroom. They tug down a large, leatherbound book on magical creatures, and flip through to the section on Hinkypunks. They ask Remus which bit confused him, and he explains. They flip a couple of pages forward and grab him a seat. He sinks into it and listens intently as they begin to read from the book._

_Once they've explained all about the spell to repel Hinkypunks, he asks a question about Boggarts. They consider for a moment, then reply that they don't actually know the answer. They stand up and grab another book from a shelf, and begin to flip through._

_Remus only leaves Professor Iyvia's office when Sirius comes looking for him, telling him he's missed dinner._

* * *

 

Two weeks into his job, he's teaching a class to a group of sixth years. After class, one kid - Remus thinks xyr name is Ash - comes up to him and asks him to go over a portion of text xe didn't understand.

He sits down at one of the desks and begins to explain in more detail. Ash flips the pages animatedly and asks enthusiastic questions. Remus looks to xyr robes, expecting to see blue and bronze, and is instead met with yellow and black. He smiles a little more softly, remembering the times when he was the one insisting that you didn't need to be a Ravenclaw to be clever.

After that, he directs extra materials in Ash's direction - anything Remus thinks xe'll appreciate. Xe laps it up with wide, eager eyes and an insatiable curiosity that makes Remus think of his first ( _wonderfulwarmsafe_ ) days at Hogwarts, back when anything and everything was new and brilliant and things were in spite of his transformations, not because of them.

When Ash hands in one of xyr parchments, xyr sleeve slips up. Xe tugs it back down hastily, but not before Remus catches sight of old scars, bright white against xyr rich brown skin.

Next time he sends xem a book, he tucks a slab of chocolate into the front, with a small note reading,  _Eat this. You'll feel better._

* * *

_"Remus?"_

_The question is soft, and Remus forces his eyes open to see Sirius's worried ones staring back. He winces and sits up, forcing a smile onto his face. "Hey, Sirius."_

_Sirius relaxes and pushes his long black hair out of his face. "How are you?"_

_Remus takes a deep breath and assesses his injuries. His left ankle feels swollen and there are a few aches that he recognises as recently-closed cuts, but overall, he's alright. "Not too bad. As far as they go, this was okay. Are James and Peter coming?"_

_"They're waiting outside. I told them not to come in just yet, in case you didn't want to see us." There's a note of hesitancy in Sirius's voice, a waver under the upper-class accent overlayered with a Scottish burr picked up from Remus._

_Remus gives his boyfriend a soft smile. "I'll always want to see you. Doesn't matter whether it's after a moon, or at three in the morning, or at lunchtime when there's sun streaming through the windows and you want to tug me down to the loch to skim pebbles over the water."_

_Sirius asks in a rush, "May I kiss you?"_

_In reply, Remus places a hand on the side of Sirius's face and presses his lips against the other boy's._

* * *

He's just leaving the Great Hall after dinner when he sees the boy - a Ravenclaw by the name of Andrew, sitting on a rarely-used staircase, gazing off into space. His eyes are hollow ( _blankunseeingdeadened_ ), cold grey against a sickly pale face, ginger hair serving to accentuate the gaunt white of his skin. Remus knows this boy: he's painfully shy and awkward, a target of a few of the older Gryffindors who like to pick fun. He doesn't really have any friends. Remus wishes he didn't know how it feels. But all the same, he does, and that means he's going to help, if he can.

He walks over very slowly, making sure that he's within the Ravenclaw's field of perception, knowing that the boy won't want to be crept up on. He sits down slowly beside the boy on the stairs, and they sit in silence for a while.

(Remus's heart curls in on itself when the boy does, shoulderblades tensing and legs pressing together. He waits patiently for almost twenty minutes until Andrew's stance loosens before he finally talks.)

"Andrew?"

"Yes?"

"I know you're smart. You're intelligent. I've been told you're funny, and witty, and I know you think things over. But I'm asking all the same, because I don't want to wake to another empty bed. Please, don't do anything rash tonight."

Andrew looks at him with those broken eyes, and Remus thinks,  _God, he looks just like Sirius. Back in first year when he didn't know anything but his parents' world._

"With all due respect, sir, why do you think I'm going to do anything tonight?" The tone is guarded, wary - a caged, wounded animal snarling at the predator as it backs into a corner.

"Because I've seen enough pain to know what it looks like when people want to end it. Just... don't. Please." Remus tries to think of more to say, but all that comes out is a final, "Please."

(Remus checks the Ravenclaw table the next morning. Andrew walks in, avoiding the Gryffindors, and sits down among some of the sixth years. A metamorphagus with their hair a tasteful purple turns to talk to him, and Remus smiles. It's not much, but it's a start.)

* * *

_He's sitting in an empty carriage, staring at his scarred hands, when the door slides open. He glances up to see a short boy with long black hair and beautiful brown skin. "Hey there! Can I sit? There's nowhere else."_

_"S-sure."_

_The boy drops into a seat opposite Remus and gives him a bright smile. "I'm Sirius. You?"_

_"Remus Lupin."_

_"So, Remus Lupin," Sirius begins._

_He's going to ask about the scars, Remus just knows it. It's always the scars. He prepares for the words, and Sirius opens his mouth-_

_"Why you sitting in a carriage by yourself?"_

_"Uh..." He's lost for words. "I-I just..." He trails off, not sure what to say._

_Sirius leans forwards, a look of concern crossing his face. "You okay?"_

_It's so simple, and yet the way he asks it is so genuine, so concerned, that Remus kind of wants to cry._

* * *

The thing is, he enjoys late-night walks now just as much as he did when he was a pupil. It's easier now that he's allowed to wander the corridors, that he doesn't need to hide under James's cloak, or else simply go with Sirius's idea and levitate their beds out of Gryffindor Tower and into the corridors because 'We're not out of bed, so they can't punish us!'.

Most nights, if he's not too tired, he makes a couple of loops of the castle, stopping off at the wall where James hung a Gryffindor banner after they won the Quidditch cup, and the small courtyard with the fountain Sirius always went to to throw stones into when he was angry, and the painting of the bowl of fruit that Peter always went to to sneak into the kitchens and get food from the house-elves.

(The memories hurt when he revisits them, but the ache when he tries to forget is infinitely worse.)

After he brushes his fingers against the wall, and gently drops a pebble into the fountain, and sits in front of the painting, watching the fruit but unable to bring himself to touch it, he begins to climb upwards. His feet carry him on autopilot up to Ravenclaw Tower - it's a clear night, he knows, and he wants to see the stars. The Astronomy Tower has a class of first years at the moment, so instead he walks up tightly winding steps.

He pauses as he hears sobbing above.

After that, he climbs as quickly as he can.

He reaches the plateau in time to a see a Gryffindor boy standing right at the edge, at the gap between fence and pillar. The student glances back, and sees him, and his face falls. Remus steps forward, and the student says in a sad ( _crackedbrokendefeated_ ) voice, "Please. Just let me go. I just want it to end."

"You're... David, right?" Remus asks softly. The boy flinches at the name.

"No. That's my  _beloved_ parents' name for me. David is the shadow they talk to. I guess I'll let them talk to the shadows a little longer." The student looks down the tower, and begins to squeeze between the fence and the pillar, tan hands keeping a tight grip on the former.

"Then what is your name?"

The student looks back, and the surprise in those eyes breaks Remus's heart. "I'm sorry?"

"Since David is not your name," Remus says, as gently as he can, "what is your name?"

The student pauses for a second, glances down the tower again, and replies quietly, "Harper."

"Okay. Harper. I'm not telling you to do this, I'm asking you. Please don't let go of that fence."

Harper glances at him, eyes wary. "Why shouldn't I? No-one really cares if I do. I'm just a  _boy_."

 _Ohh_.  _So that's what it is. Misgendered, by everyone. Including me. Oh, Merlin, including me._ I've  _helped do this._

"Who are you then, Harper?"

"Agender. They/them. Not that anyone actually cares, or respects it." Their voice is numb, accepting almost. They turn their back to Remus. One hand drops from the fence, and Remus says the only thing that comes to mind.

"My birth name was Rachel."

And Harper stops. When they speak, their voice is infinitesimally small. "I'm sorry?"

"My birth name was Rachel. They swaddled me in pink blankets. My family clucked over such a sweet girl, such a darling daughter." Remus's voice is tight, as he remembers. "I told my parents when I was five that really I was always a  _he_ inside."

A single tear rolls down Harper's cheek. Remus swallows around the lump in his throat, and continues. "It was half a year before they decided to let me transition. From there, two years of potions and spells, and hey presto, Mr Remus Lupin."

"Why are you telling me this?" The question is halfway between aggressive and tearful.

"Because I believe that it can get better. I believe that you can be Harper. I believe we can convince your parents, and if not we can get you away from them, if you want. I believe we can help you. But you need to live, Harper. Please."

And slowly, so slowly, Harper steps away from the edge.

Remus leads them down to his office, and makes them a cup of tea, and pretends not to notice when they add way more sugar than can possibly be healthy. They've just had a big shock, after all.

The two of them talk into the early hours of the morning, and Remus manages to come to an understanding of what exactly it is that Harper wants. Remus gets Harper excused from classes for the day, sends them back to Gryffindor Tower to sleep (Harper's yawning as they leave) and then he heads to the Infirmary. He confirms with Madam Pomfrey the option for Harper to take a course of potions that would make their body develop androgynously, without any distinguishing male features. They he goes to Dumbledore's office, and when he leaves, Harper's name is down on the official student roster, along with their pronouns.

Remus heads back to his office before his first class and sees an empty mug with sugar sitting in the bottom. He smiles.

* * *

_He stares down the sides of the Astronomy Tower as the rest of the class file away down the stairs. He wonders how far down it is._

_He wonders whether it would hurt, and how long for. Surely it wouldn't be as bad as a moon?_

_He supposes that it would depend on where he hit the ground. If it was, say, his head or his neck, he'd be dead in a split second. Probably painless. If he punctured a major vein - say, the aorta - he'd bleed out in a minute or so. If he broke bones but didn't hit anything critical, he might take a few hours to die. Or be found._

_He doesn't know which of the four options he'd really want, if he were to jump._

_And unbidden, images of James and Lily, dancing together, smiling happily at each other, spring to mind. Of James pressing a gentle kiss to Lily's lips. Of Lily beating James by a mile in Quidditch._

_Images of Sirius in a long coat, holding out a hand, laughing. Of Sirius's worried face, after he's woken up from a moon. Of Sirius on long, lazy mornings spent together._

_Images of Peter, coming with food and comfort on the nights when Remus can't sleep for the cuts and bruises in his back. Of Peter with hot chocolate for the four of them because he's good with domestic spells. Of Peter learning to speak Mermish, and then diving down to converse with the Merpeople of the loch, and also wave through the windows of the Slytherin common room._

_He turns away from the edge._

* * *

He supposes it was bound to happen at some point. One of the other teachers had mentioned Dean before, mentioned the occasional times when he broke down. _Don't worry_ , she'd said, _because his boyfriend Cas'll always be there to help him_. And so Remus assumes that if he ever comes across the Slytherin panicking, his Hufflepuff boyfriend will be comforting him.

When he comes across Dean crumpled against a wall in one of the quieter corridors during lunchtime, having a panic attack, Cas is not there.

So he does the only thing he can do. He sits down beside the sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking boy, being careful not to touch him - he knows that Dean hates being touched without having given permission first, and he's certainly in no position to give permission right now - and he says as softly as he can, "Dean? Dean, look at me."

The boy raises his head slightly, shaking like a tree in a storm, breath tugging in and out. Remus can hear the air rattling in his chest as Dean tries desperately to breathe and breathe and breathe, chest heaving and still nowhere enough.

(Remus recalls how it feels, so scared, so alone, feeling the raw air against his throat and still gasping, drowning on dry land.)

"Dean, come on, you've gotta breathe with me, buddy. In and out, try and copy me." Remus takes an exaggeratedly long, slow breath, and releases it. Tears streak down Dean's face as he tries and fails to copy. Remus can hear him wheezing as his chest contracts, compressing inwards. He takes another exaggerated breath, and another, and Dean tries his best to copy Remus. Remus takes another, and Dean copies, and Remus can see from the rise of his chest that the oxygen is making its way in, not simply tugging on the edges of his lungs as it had been previously.

Slowly ( _fartooslowly_ ), the sobs quieten, and the breath slows. Dean doesn't stop shaking. He tips his head back against the wall and breathes, long and slow, trembling furiously. Remus moves slowly, trying not to startle Dean, and leans back against the wall perhaps a foot away. Dean's breathing is loud in the deserted corridor, and he's quaking like a bird in a hurricane, like a rock in a landslide.

And then, echoing footsteps, coming closer at a run, and a boy that Remus recognises to be none other than Cas rounds the corner, red in the face. On seeing Dean quivering against the wall, he darts forwards and gathers up his boyfriend in a hug. Dean buries his face in Cas's neck and breathes deeply. Remus gives Cas a quick smile, then, now assured that Dean will be okay and not wanting to intrude, walks away.

* * *

_The first time he finds Sirius crying and curled up on a bed, breath racing, he doesn't know what to do. He brushes the hair out of Sirius's face, and stays with him till it's over._

_When Sirius is breathing normally again, he asks what happened. Sirius confesses that he received a letter from his parents._

_Remus doesn't know what to say, so he wraps Sirius in a hug instead and presses kisses into curly black hair and traces circles in the backs of dark, smooth hands with his own pale, callused fingers._

* * *

 

The thing about Ashlyn Greenlow, Remus decides, is that he really doesn't believe her stories about how she gets those injuries.

The first day the second year Slytherin comes into his class, she says that the galaxy of bruises that span her arms are from walking into a desk.

After Christmas, the constellation of small cuts across her back are from falling into a thorn bush at the edge of the Dark Forest.

The broken leg after Easter is from falling down the stairs.

But in the in-between times, Remus does not once see her injure herself. She walks quickly and quietly and never bumps into anyone or anything, so far as he can tell.

He goes to Poppy and asks her to check Ashlyn for past injuries, and he adds that she should particularly look for ones that were not healed very skillfully. When he receives the ( _longenormousterrifying_ ) list back a week later, along with a worried note from Poppy, he reads it through thrice, then seeks Ashlyn out.

('Bruises on arms - configuration, size and depth would suggest punches, arms probably raised in self-defence. Large spread of small shallow cuts across back, probably from broken glass projectiles. Broken leg from curse of considerable power.')

He finds her alone on the lawns, looking out over the Black Loch. He sits down beside her, and asks her if he can talk to her for a bit. She agrees.

He says that there are provisions in place for a child to be removed from their current guardianship if it is judged that that guardianship is abusive or neglectful. He explains that such child has the option of choosing to stay with another relative or friend with their consent, or to stay at Hogwarts year-round until they turn seventeen - though if they choose Hogwarts, they can leave to stay with a family member or friend at any time, if they so desire and if the family member or friend consents.

She looks away and he cannot see her face.

He asks very gently, if she likes living with her parents. She turns back around, breathing quickly. She pulls off her green and silver tie and looks down at the ground for a few minutes. Then she asks, very quietly, if he can get her out.

Remus attends her parents' trial. Charges: wanton neglect and abuse. They are found guilty, and each receive fifteen years in prison without parole. Remus is glad. Ashlyn elects to remain at Hogwarts for the time being. She is given her own private room, albeit a small one, in the dungeons. She brings around half of her possessions to Hogwarts: the others are thrown away.

The day after her parents are sent to prison is a Saturday. She comes up to Remus's office in the morning with a sort of glazed look on her face. He gently wraps her a hug and she whispers, "Thank you."

* * *

_The day they find out that Frank Longbottom has gotten his own room in Gryffindor Tower, rather than sharing a dorm, Remus wonders why. But Frank has been crying on and off for the last two weeks or so and he feels it is best not to ask. So he opens his copy of Hogwarts: A History and he flips to the section about housing policies._

_When he reaches the end of the chapter, he doesn't know whether to scream or cry. Because the book had been pretty clear on the circumstances in which a student is given a room of their own._

_Remus thinks for a minute about what to do. He knows that Frank loves food. He knows that Frank particularly enjoys fish and cheese and toast. He knows how to get into the kitchens._

_The house elves make enough food for four or five, and Remus carries it all back up to the tower. Frank is in his new room, and Remus knocks very gently on the door. The boy opens it, and his eyes are so tired as he asks, "Oh, hey, Remus. What is it?"_

_He holds up the bag. "I brought food. But only if you want to. You don't have to talk. You can just have it if you want and I can go away. I just thought-"_

_Frank gives him a soft, small smile, and he says, "Remus, I'd love to. There is nothing I would love more right now than good food and good company."_

_They sit in relative silence, playing Go, and eating the food Remus has brought. Occasionally one of them cracks a joke, or makes a comment on the game, or a particularly good bit of cooking. When the evening comes and Remus has to go and do homework, Frank catches him on the way out of the room, and says, "Thank you."_

* * *

Remus looks up at the castle that was twice before his home. He wonders how much longer it could have been his home for, if not for Severus.

Ah, well. No point dwelling on dreams and possibilities, things that were and things that could have been but never will.

He thinks of Ash, and Andrew, and Harper, and Dean and Cas, and Ashlyn. He prays that they are all okay.

He thinks of Sirius, and Lily and James, and Peter.

He turns away.

All he has left is the memories, and the ghosts.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own 'em - if I did, it would be a lot more diverse.  
> Okay... so, angst. I'm sorry.  
> And yes, I did make a couple called Dean and Cas on purpose. Sue me.  
> For anyone who's confused by my calling it the 'Black Loch' and not the 'Black Lake', Hogwarts is in Scotland. We do not have lakes, we have lochs, and it's always really annoyed me that JK Rowling overlooked that fact.  
> 


End file.
